Yesterday, I heard that a young lady that I used to babysit got married. After getting over feeling old, I wanted to be excited for her; instead, my heart broke because, as I continued to listen to a description of who she married, I could tell that she had chosen a difficult path. I, being all too familiar with making a similar choice, knew that there was no way anyone would talk her out of the decision because once you dig your heels in and decide that you are going to choose the hard path, it is next to impossible for anyone to convince you otherwise. Hearing her story made me think about all of the times I have chosen to struggle.
Life is filled with enough difficulties that come from this world that there is no need to conjure up an unpleasant test in order to have a testimony. I am not sure where the notion came from that a person has to have been beat up by life in order to be a convincing witness for Christ. It causes me to wonder, when we choose to struggle, to take a path that we know is not ordained by God, to ride on the crooked road as opposed to the straight one, are we challenging ourselves or are we testing God so that we can testify? I do not know anyone’s story but my own. I know that God blessed me to grow up with married, saved, God-fearing parents who took me to church. They loved and supported my siblings and me in every endeavor we attempted. We grew up in beautiful homes in great neighborhoods. We never lacked anything we needed. We attended great schools that had plenty of books and excellent academic, arts and athletic programs. I was blessed with an ability to do very well in school without trying very hard. I was awarded scholarships to school. My life was almost perfect (and I only say almost because nothing is perfect this side of Heaven). I am not saying this to be boastful; all of these things were blessings from God that I know He did not have to give me. There was little to no struggle in my life and I praise God for that. But then in my late teens, I thought I was grown and I started making decisions that made my life harder than it ever had to be. I broke my vow of abstinence until marriage, I chose a college far from home, and then I chose to leave that college for all of the wrong reasons. God had rolled out the red carpet to my destiny, but I chose to struggle. I realize that some people do not struggle by choice. Some people are born into situations that are not ideal. Some people face crises with health and finances that they did not cause. That is not choosing to struggle. I do not claim to know why these struggles happen and how God chooses who faces certain challenges. I do know that there are tests of faith in the situations that are not of our choosing that can lead us into the greatness that God has for us. Let me put this in perspective, with the life of King David. Some struggles David faced were because God wanted to use David for His glory like facing off with Goliath and being chased by Saul. But, there are other struggles that David faced because he put himself in a bad situation like losing a child because of his dalliance with Bathsheba or be chased by Absalom because he had lost control of his children. When I say choosing to struggle, I am speaking of the latter challenges. Was David restored? Absolutely! God still loved David just like He still loves you and me when we make stupid decisions. I believe God when He says that there is nothing too hard for Him (Genesis 18:14). I also know that in context, that statement was made when God was speaking to Sarah about delivering her from barrenness, which was a struggle that she did not choose. We do not have to make life harder for ourselves to make our testimony believable. The most important part of the testimony is that God loves us enough that He gave His Son to die for us. That is true no matter what your life’s story happens to be. God can deliver you if you choose to struggle, but do you really want to live a life that is harder than what He has planned out for you? Ms. EV
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When I wrote and published Pray While You’re Prey, I thought it would be the key to my success. I figured it would bring me financial freedom, forever-lasting fame, and foster feelings of affection from suitors worldwide. I had a few visions of grandeur; don’t judge me. It was always my intention to keep God first and foremost in my endeavor, but somewhere along the line, I started making decisions and asking God about them afterward, which is very obviously not the right way to go. At the time, however, I did not see that I was leaving God out of the very gift He had bestowed upon me. I felt as if He wanted to use my testimony and the talent He had given to me for writing and public speaking to reach the masses, so that is what I aimed to do.
Because I was caught up in being a commercial success, I never stopped to realize how God used my testimony. I considered what I had done to be a failure. I gave up because the book did not produce my desired results. I did not stop to think or ask if it had produced God’s desired results. People kept asking when I would write another book and what my next project would be, but I did not feel like I could succeed at anything. An unsuccessful marriage, short-lived law career, and not being invited to be in Oprah’s Book Club left me feeling like nothing that I would do would ever matter. Feeling like a failure led to other behaviors for which I am not proud, but thank God that when He has a path for you, He will pick you up and put you back on that path with a better understanding of Who is in control. In an attempt to please other people, I tried to write another book. I followed the same format as the first one. I looked at Scriptures that spoke to me. I wrote an outline. I started writing. I pitched it to publishers and literary agents and got rejection after rejection. I could not understand why God would give me a gift and not let me use it. The truth of the matter is, God gives me plenty of opportunities to use my gifts and talents, but when I do not see their usefulness, I feel like a flop, which is right where the devil wants me. Because the devil knows that my ego is so big that I am unlikely continue on a journey if I am not getting some sort of accolades. But, this is not about me. Have you ever noticed that when you are not doing what God calls you to do you feel miserable? Not only do you feel miserable, but a lot of times, you want everyone around you to be miserable as well? So, I asked, “God, how do you want me to use what you have given me?” He replied, “Just write.” I responded, “But,”--because you know we like to throw those “buts” in there when God gives us an assignment; am I right, Moses--“Lord, nobody wants to read or hear what I have to say. It seems like a waste of time and effort.” He said, “I want to see what you have to say. Does anything else matter?” That was the problem. Everyone else’s opinion mattered more to me than what God desired. When the psalmist wrote, “Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.” I thought, “Yes, please. Lord, I love you. So, I’ll take a Christian male about six-foot-six, a writing and singing career, and a mansion with maid service, for the win!” That is so not what that verse means. That verse means that when you get in sync with God, His desires for you become you desires. You start to understand that regardless of the outcomes you see in front of you, there is a greater plan at work; the Master’s Plan. He doesn’t need your help, but He will use it if you are a willing vessel. So, I started writing as I was instructed. I honestly didn’t think that I would have something to say, but nearly every day, there is something on my heart to say. At times, that old, ugly monster of discouragement tries to bring me down by saying, “No one reads what you write, no one listens to your music, and no one cares, so why are you doing this?” My response, “Because my Daddy said so.” And, the Lord knows that I need encouragement, so every once in awhile, He lets me see His gifts to me reach someone that I do not know or did not think was paying attention. But it is not about me getting attention; it is about me giving God glory. It is about letting others know how He has surrounded me with loving people and life-changing experiences. If you know what your gift is, just use it to His glory because nothing else matters. If you do not know what your gift is, just ask God to enlighten you. He wants to use us as vessels for His greater works, but we can only be used when He is the center of our focus. Ms. EV A roadblock is barrier or barricade on a road, especially one set up by the authorities. They can be intentionally placed because of construction or an accident, or they can be the result of something outside of anyone’s control like a fallen tree or a sink hole. In either case, when you meet a roadblock, you have to decide what to do. There are usually two options we are left pondering while we sit in traffic headed toward the impending obstruction of our route. Turn back around and wait for a better time to complete your mission or take a detour and complete the mission (just not in the way we had envisioned).
When you are actually driving, the choice may be clearer, depending on purpose of your trip in the first place. However, in the figurative sense, when you are faced with a roadblock on the path to your goals, the choice between turning around and taking a detour is a very serious choice. If you turn around, does it show a lack of faith or does it show that you are being cautious about where you are headed and when you might get there? If you choose a detour, does it signify perseverance, a win-at-all-costs attitude and determination or does it signify a lack of faith when you decide to call an audible (sorry, I miss football) and take another route so you can get to where you think you deserve to be. This is not something that we can take lightly. I am known to analyze and overanalyze every decision I make. I plan my spontaneity. It does not even matter what type of decision it is: relationships, financial, career, ministry; if I hit a roadblock, I am taking whatever amount of time it takes to decide the next course of action. Even if it means sitting in proverbial traffic with people honking at me about what I should be doing, I will pray and consider my options carefully. It is not out of a lack of faith; it is because I want to be sure of whether God is saying no, go, or take it slow. Sometimes, we think God is taking us in one direction, but He has another plan. Sometimes He needs to get our attention because we have taken His plan and put our own spin on it. Whatever the case, the roadblock is there for a reason. Maybe God wants to know how deeply you want to reach this goal. Maybe you’ve been barreling full steam ahead and have not stopped to assess whether or not you are still on God’s path for you. Maybe God wants to know how deeply you want Him. The only way to know the reason is to go to God and ask Him what He would have you do. Notice I said ask God, not your parents or your pastor or your friends. If God wants you to hear from those people, He will make it so, but depend on Him to answer the question. At times, that answer will come instantly and clearly; other times, you will have to wait. But, whatever the answer and whenever it comes, and whoever delivers the message, it will be what is best for you. A roadblock is not the opportunity for you to quit; it is the chance for you to quiet your mind and seek God’s direction. Ms. EV I have a hard time sometimes finding a happy medium between two characteristics. I have, and still do sometimes, find it complicated to find the place between pride and insecurity. When I was younger, I did not feel very pretty (although, looking back, I was pretty cute; I just had no fashion sense). As I got older, the pendulum swung way too hard to the other side, as I began really feeling myself to the point of conceit. Eventually, there was a medium that naturally occurred and resulted in confidence that I am who God made me to be. I embraced my looks, my shape, my hair, and all of the other characteristics that bothered me as a child, but I did not expect everyone to recognize how fly (do we still use this word) I am and fall all over me.
I have come to realize that it was never really about my looks per se, it is about my love for attention. I am not sure when I developed the affinity for attention, but being the center of attention often gives me an adrenaline rush that is very gratifying. The problem is that, at a certain point, I started to rely on the natural high that getting attention gives, so rather than complete tasks because it is something that I love that God has led me to do, I would achieve for applause. Realizing that I have a tendency to follow this pattern has caused me to be extremely cautious when I take on a new venture. I have to really pray and look within to determine whether I am taking a course of action because God told me to or because it will give me a chance to impress people. So, when someone does try to recognize an accomplishment; it becomes very difficult for me to take the compliment because I do not want to get caught up in the praise; I just want to stay on the path for my purpose. It feels good to be recognized, but that should not be our only motivation for working hard. While we do not want to have people give us praise that belongs to God, we should also give them the opportunity to praise God for what He does in and through us. Humility and insecurity are not one in the same. We have to stay humble while allowing God to use others to propel us to the heights that He has for us. I am really talking to myself here, but I have a feeling that I am not the only person who has this struggle. God wants to do great things through us, and, to that end, He has given each of us a specific purpose and design. We have to find the place between pride and insecurity that allows us to reach our greatest potential, so that through our success, God can receive the glory. Ms. EV A few months ago, the marquis outside of my church read, “My way is the Highway – God.” I loved that sign. His ways are not our ways and His thoughts are not our thoughts. As the school year winds down, I have a lot of responsibilities for end-of-the-year activities. Yesterday, a friend tried to help me and to recruit others to help me with my tasks, but I quickly asked him to just let me do it my way. As I was thinking about that conversation, it hit me like a ton of bricks: this must be what God is saying when I try to take over and help Him out with my Life. I like to do things my way. I am a pretty efficient person and I do not like to waste time or to have to explain why I am doing something the way I am doing it. Clearly, if I approach an assignment in a certain manner, it is because I have determined the best way to do it. (At this moment, I hear a spiritual, “DUH!”).
Talk about made in His image. I feel the same way about people stepping on my toes as God feels about me trying to step on His. I know how to delegate and I know that I cannot make it through this life without the help of others. That is not what I am getting at here. What I am saying is that when I devise a plan that is what is best, I would like for other people to follow it or get out of the way. That is what God wants us to do. He knows what is best and he does NOT need our help. So, when I make it to Heaven, I don’t want to sound like Sinatra, and say, “I did it my way!” I want God to be able to say, “Although, it took her a while to figure it out, she did it MY way.” Ms. EV So, I took a step out on faith and pursued my dream. I had no idea what the outcome would be. I knew that I had extremely high hopes. I knew what I could envision happening. I knew I wanted someone to recognize my talent. But, in the end, I don’t know if that happened. What I do know that is my life is in God’s hands. I know that for the first time, I went to an audition, gave it my best, and didn’t feel the least bit rejected or disappointed when I didn’t get the outcome for which I had hoped. That was a victory. I also felt so much love and pride from the most special people in my life. That was a victory. I did not cry. If you know me at all, you know that was a victory. Even in the face of what some people would envision to be a failure, I can still see victory.
But, what about the dream, what is next? It is a fantastic feeling to know that I have overcome my hesitancy to try for things because I do not like rejection. It is a wonderful feeling to know that I have so many people that support and believe in me. It was a triumphant feeling to not even be able to conjure up a tear of sadness. Still, I feel like there is unfinished business. So, what do I do? I have made enough mistakes in my life to know that I should not take any action without prayerful consideration. I have also missed enough opportunities in life to know that I should not give up on my dreams or set them on the backburner. I know that my true passions in life are Kingdom-building enterprises. My goals are focused on God’s glory, so at His appointed time, I will be used in a way that is appropriate. All I can do, the best thing I can do, is pray and listen, wait and work. As I pondered the question, “What’s next?” a song by my favorite gospel artist came to mind. What Shall I Do by Tramaine Hawkins: What shall I do? What step should I take? What move should I make? Oh Lord, what shall I do? I’m going to wait for an answer from You, I have nothing to lose. Oh Lord, what shall I do? I know You’ll come through with a blessing for me. Please Lord, set my soul free. Oh Lord, what shall I do? After that song popped into my head, I heard my mom talking about a situation that broke my heart, and immediately, a song began to form. And, there I was pursuing the dream again. Not in such an overt way as the day before, but I was being obedient and listening. The dream is not dead, it is not even delayed; it will come true right on time and be exceedingly, abundantly above all that I could even imagine, so until then, I’m going to wait…For I know He’ll come through. Ms EV |
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